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The Meal Machines

Race:  Halfling
Coach:  Pertan
You never dine alone!

The Meal Machines team badge
Bulletin board from the coach
May 29th, 2020 - NEW !!!
The saga continues..
The saga continues..

Dear sport fans!
Jim Johnson here with yesterdays Cabalvision highlights. Lets take a look at the “Miracle on pitch” story known as The Meal Machines.
It started with a rainy day when The Meal Machines entered Barbed Wire Kisses “home” stadium. You could feel the tension. Camera crews were filling the stadium as Cabalvision was “Desperate for exposure” of the game. This time the halflings only occupied just over half of the stands.
The Meal Machines had hired Karla von Kill, and almost emptying their treasury, to strengthen their roster and their world known Master chef was making an incredible stew. The coin toss went to The Meal Machines whom choose to receive the ball. But that was all that would go their way..
The pouring rain (or unjust play) made so that the smell of the food did not carry over to the opposing side nor to the playing halfling players and therefore the beating weather was demoralizing The Meal Machines. As the ball was kicked to the halflings the darkelves started a fraction in advance and Blitzed down the field causing early injuries to the halfling team.
No#4 Stony Tark got hold of the ball but was pushed around by the defending team until the Barbed Wire Kisses blitzer no#8 Blood Monger hit Mr Tark so bad that he was carried away of the field.
Now the darkelves were in hold of the ball and continued to harass the poor halflings until only the trees and miss von Kill was left on the pitch. This made the elven players a bit cocky but after witch elf no#14 had missed a quick pass to a fellow team mate she decided to collect the ball herself and run a turn 6 touchdown.
During this time the team apothecary had taken care of Stony Tark whom was all ready to play again. With the clock ticking down the fans decided to start a riot and when the situation was finally cleared the clock was turned too far back, giving an extra turn for the halflings to score. The plan was simple, give mr Tark the ball and send him flying as so many times before but with a fumbled throw attempt by #2 Groot Frootroot, mr Tark decided to start running towards the endzone. As he sprinted down the field with his sure feet he knew that he could not get wholly out of range from BWK runner #10 Illwind Wind Winder. Karla von Kill tried to tie him up but the nimble elf managed to dodge free from her and toke aim at Stony Tark. He made his strike against Stony whom countered with something (a double skull was rolled) badly hurting the darkelf runner. Without hesitation mr Tark ran the rest of the distance equalizing the score.
Now Pertan the coach made an error. Believing that the half was over he set up the team according to that and kicked the ball to the darkelves. As the rain stopped the darkelves came rushing down blitzing and fouling mr Stony Tark out of the game.
As the weather was cleared the master chefs stew did the job and boosted the morale of The Meal Machine players and demoralizing the darkelf team.
As the kick was going towards one of the sidelines the attacking team started with a quick snap getting out of the trees tacklezones. But after a missing dodge they gave an opening for the Meal Machines to get right in the face of the ballcarrier. With majority of the darkelves down field the ballcarrier tried to throw the ball to them managing to fumble it in front of the halfling players. With a quick block and a sure pick up the halflings had the ball.
Now the darkelf coach was in a rage and more to flee from his temper than anything ells the darkelf players choose to run down the field towards their scoring zone, leaving the halflings all by themselves. Too stunned of what was happening the halflings just walked towards their endzone scoring at the last minute of the game giving them a second victory in the majors.
With all the exposure both teams left the game with bulging treasure chests. Here are some words from the winning coach.
-What an exiting game, we hoped but dared not to believe that we could win another game. Our next opponent is the woodelf team Wormwood Harbingers, a newly founded team with an exceptional coach the notorious Ozt. This will indeed be our toughest opponent yet.

But the big question is, can this “miracle on the pitch” continue? With those words we say good night and please remember to tune in for more faaang-tastic Blood Bowl news here at Cabalvision!
- Pertan
May 22nd, 2020
Meal Machines, a Cinderella story?
Hi sports fans!

Last night The Meal Machines entered the big stadiums with their opening game against the Black Ark Bloodletter, a newly founded Dark elf team.

The fans had come from near and far and out of the 20 thousand spectators over 15 thousand were there to support the "Meal Machines".

The B.A.B had a rocky start. Because of the initial raining weather the ball managed to slip out of the elf hands during several turns. Ending them too quickly.

This gave the halflings a chance to snatch the ball and run in a early 4 turn touchdown.

During the kick to the BAB the rain stopped and the elves made a stunning two turn touchdown. Equalizing the game.

This got the fans outraged and they stormed the pitch leaving the B.A.B with only 4 players standing. The Meal Machines whom had two turns left to go made sure that the upcoming star Stony Tark got hold of the ball and after a nice fling of the player and a perfect landing Mr Tark could sprint in to the endzone almost tripping on the goal-line but his sure feet parried the slippery surface.

The second half started. Now the B.A.B were down to 8 players and while the ball was flying down field the elves were able to rearrange their defensive stance. While Mr Tark went picking up the ball no#2 Groot Frootroot managed to stun him self when trying to block against an anonymous lineman.

This gave the Dark elves a good opportunity to put some pressure against the ball holder.

The Meal Machines managed barely to keep B.A.B from blocking mr Tark but after intense 6 turns of lucky dodging the and avoiding the remaining elf players Mr Stony Tark could jog in his second goal for the night.

During the next kick off the fired up halflings managed to Blitz under the ball but with a sever blow to Mr Tarks head the game ended with him on the sideline being tended by the team apothecary.

After the game coach Pertan was happy, quoting: -We could not have hoped for a better start. Stony Tark had an excellent game but it was a real team effort. But our MVP was our fans who supported us on and outside the pitch by clearing our merchandise booths and pie stands.

-Now the next opponent looks to be the Barbed Wire Kisses, an other dark elf team. What are your thought?

-Well, we'll see. Those bas.. I mean that match will be difficult to beat. We were lucky enough for the win to night but lets see how far that will go. Hopefully at least for an other game.

And with those finishing words we wrap this up.
TIll next time!

/Fraulain Shönheit
-Spike magazine
- Pertan
May 11th, 2020
Minors goes Major?!
Dear sport fans!

Jim Johnson here and what news we have for you!

Today we received the information that "The Meal Machines" will be taking the step from the Minor leagues to the Majors.

Over to our sideline reporter fraulein Shönheit.

-Thank you Jim!
So Coach Pertan, what can you tell us about your decision? Why now and foremost why at all?

-Well thats a good question fraulein. First of all because Im sicking tierd of listening to mr Stony Tark about how good and great he is. The minors has become too small for him, according to him that is.
For the second reason, I thought that it was time to try our wings. We are throwing players more than before and sooner or later they will learn how to spread their wings and score some touchdowns.
And for a third reason I´ve heard that this upcoming season will be a short one, and who´s not shortest if not the Halflings? Get it?

-So let me get clear, your entering the majors out of spite to your star player and because halflings are short?? Are you mad?

-Mad, madness is my middle name and my all time favorite coach was MADden also..

-I dont think that is how it works (fraulein whispers)
Lets see where this team will be heading, hopefully they will not get to triple digits before the season ends.
Over to you Jim and Bob!

-Thank you Shönheit, lets hope that the fans will appreciate the upcoming carnage and death.

Till next time!
- Pertan
Jan. 2nd, 2019 - old news
New year, new tactics!?
Hello sport fans, and wellcome to another year of Blood Bowl!

We are taking a closer look of a returning team, The Meal Machines, taking on the pitch with new tactics. Our sideline reporter has managed to get an interview with their coatch.

Over to you fraulein Shönheit!

-Thank you Jim! So Coach Pertan, I would like to ask you about your new roster and the missing of player names. What's the meaning of that?

-Well fraulein, its simply because I dont care what their names are. I mean the halflings arent what they once were. Ether they will survive their first match or no. IF they do, well good for them and if not, well I didnt need to learn their names. Simple as that.

-I see, thank you for the explenation. So, you have not had any really good seasons in the past, honestly they have been catastrofical. What plans/expectations do you have for the upcoming season.

-You are correct that we have had some bad luck in the past but depending on the match up, I'm looking for 5-0-0 this season..


-I think we lost the connection to Shönheit Jim.
-Ah yes Bob you might be right. Well lets see what the future holds for those stunty little buggers. Thank you for tuning in on Cabal vision, I'm Jim Johnson and this is Bob Bifford!
-..... but Jim I wanna..
-Nobody cares Bob, nobody cares...
- Pertan
Tournaments played:
Squig Bowl 21, Open Season 9, SquigBowl 23, Open Season 10, Open Season 12, Open season 14, Open Season 17
Playing in:
Season 31
Trophies won:

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Latest bulletins:
The Meal Machines
The saga continues..
The saga continues.. Dear ...
The Meal Machines
Meal Machines, a Cinderella story?
The Meal Machines
Minors goes Major?!
Dear sport fans! Jim ...
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